Comedy of Errors

“ English is a phunny language, where Bhayirow becomes Baron and Baron becomes Bhayirow, because their minds are very nayiro.“

More than a decade ago, when I first heard Amitabh Bachchan blabbering these lines on the TV, I yelled at the top of my voice and informed the whole apartment building, “Mama, see there is a crazy guy on screen”. Soon I discovered I was wrong, English sure is a phunny language.

“So…Do you guys speak English in India?”, asked Gary, my native American friend on a chilly morning in Chicago. “Yes, we do”, I replied, took a pause and spoke again, “And we speak Hinglish (English mixed with Hindi), Tinglish (Tamil + English), Pinglish (Punjabi+English), Kinglish (Kannada + English) and many more such languages. Infact, we invented these languages for you guys to learn.”

We, the Indians, are born intelligent. I could not resist myself admiring the beauty with which we have moulded English for our personal usages. Its like customizing a Hero Honda Splendor to a Ducati.

My traumatic yet interesting journey with English started when I started attending an English medium school. As a kid, I was never interested in studies, I preferred watching He-Man and Jungle book and I used to think that I have come from Jupiter to Earth and that I have some hidden super-powers. Once, I broke this news to my parents that I am an alien who has come to Earth on a mission and given my useless temperament towards studies, my parents thought its the apt time to send me to a boarding school. Following which I was admitted to a boarding school in Dehradun. It was then that for the first time in my life I thought that I will study hard. Next day, I was the first one to solve a difficult Maths problem in my class, I stood up proudly and gave the answer to my Maths teacher who happened to be a Keralite. “Are you Suar Rahul?”, my teacher asked… “No sir, I am not Suar”, I replied. …“But why are you not Suar??”….“Ask my parents sir, I told them that I am an alien and they sent me to this boarding school, If you tell them that I am suar they will send me to a pig-farm and further, I can be He-Man how can I be Suar-Man, It really does not goes with my personality”. ..“Get out you fool”, screamed my Maths teacher. Not to mention I failed miserably in my Maths term exam.

Time flew by, I started working. During my term in Atlanta I became close friends with a guy from UP. Once we decided to go on trekking to a nearby forest trail. One more guy and a beautiful young lady pitched in to join us two for the trekking trip. And so began our adventurous trip. After walking for few miles, my UPite friend pointed his finger towards a nearby tree.

“You see that Tree?”, he asked.

“Yeah, with a hole in the trunk”, I reaffirmed

“Yes, yes that one…. I saw some Snacks in that hole in the tree trunk”

“You sure”

“Yes, I am very sure”, he replied

“Snacks in the hollow tree trunk, that too in a jungle…Huh..!!....May be someone left some snacks in the tree trunk and fogot to take it along with”, I thought to myself.

The trek continued. On our way back, the beautiful young lady started feeling tired and hungry. I and the girl were some 500 meters ahead than the other two guys.

“I am hungry Rahul”, she said.

I thought it’s the best time to step back in my super-hero shoes and was reminded of my Alien powers. I noticed that we are exactly at the same point where that tree stood, the tree with a hole in the trunk and “Snacks” inside that hole. It was the best time to impress her.

“Well…!!”, I said, “I am a magician”.

“You are…!!!!”, she exclaimed …

“You bet..I have some alien connection and hence have super-powers, which earthly people call magic”, I replied.

“Yeah Yeah…..Dont bore me…!!!”, she said.

“You don’t believe me, ok fine…..young lady…I will give you a demonstration….You see that tree there…Just go and put your hand in the hole in the trunk of that tree….With my powers I have put some Snacks inside that tree….”.

“Fine lets see Mr. Magician, what you can do with your powers”, She started walking towards the tree.

“And hey..!!!”, I called her from the back side like Rajesh Khanna, “I did it only for you..!!”...

She gave me a smile and almost put her hand in that hole. It was exactly then that I heard two screams. One from that girl and the other from that UPite guy who came running from behind. “Are you guys crazy, what are you doing??”. I noticed that the girl’s mouth never closed after that scream and her eyes became bigger.

“Well…!!! She was hungry and I asked her to take snacks from that tree trunk”.

“Rahul the snakes are rattling”, the UPite guy said.

“How can the Snacks rattle”, I asked.

“Because they are rattling Snacks”…..

It was then that the beautiful young girl started running with her open mouth screaming Snakes, Snakes and Snakes….No I guess, she screamed Snakes one more time, four times in total. That was the last time that I had the privilege to talk to that beautiful young girl. Till date she maintains that I tried to kill her..Well…!!!!!

Tired and disappointed, I came back to my home, to find a roomie who was looking quite happy. He was the first guy who appeared happy to me that day. He was Tamilian.

“Hey Man…!!! Guess What??”, he chuckled

“What”

“I saw Umrao’s John today..!!!!”, he told me with a big smile on his face

“You saw what?????”

“Umrao’s John …. And I did not like it..!!!”

“Yuck….. Who is Umrao??? “

“Come on Mann…!!! I thought its an English movie..!!!”

“You saw Umrao Jaan ??”

“Yeah … Umrao John…Same..!!!”

“Its Umrao Jaan…and what on earth made you think that Umrao can have a John?”

“You know I don’t understand Hindi right? Anyways let me narrate the story….!!!”….

I was too exhausted with the “English” world to let him complete his analysis of the movie. I took refuge in my bed and slept off……